Around a month ago, I had decided to pull through with a promise that had been three years late in coming true. You gotta understand, saying goodbye is never easy, even if what you're saying goodbye to doesn't wave back & return the farewell. This is totally old news for those who know, but bear with me, I've a point to make. With so many people asking me about what my Shizz (something) is about this radical redefinition of who I am, i doubt that an explanation about the lines on my head (5 loaves/pandesal/pandeliit & 2 fish/galunggong) is needed, but why i keep it here when it had all but fuzzed up after a month of growth is what I want to share about.

Almost everyone is familiar about the story of how dear Jesus sponsored a crowd of 5000++ people to an outdoor merienda/dinner by multiplying the meager baon of a little boy. But the essence of why the record was written that way and why it was written at all was what struck me; i realized i couldn't extend the three years after my first cosplay stint to keep my hair long. How could i? the little boy, knowing that his rations wouldn't make a dent in the huge food demand of that afternoon still offered it to the disciples. the thought of saving face apparently didn't occur to the kid. whoa. the little he had, he offered it ALL. we, in our modern mindsets, would think that the kid would be entitled to hold on to his property and he would have all the right to withhold it for whatever reason. but he didn't.

in the same lines of thinking, i can keep employing delaying tactics to keep my hair growing and growing for the delight of my personal vanity. Anyway, i have an excuse-generator in my head to cover up for whatever buzz my hair can generate (plus, i've extra time in the limelight here and there! XD). but seeing that that unknown little boy willingly abandon his 'right' to his baon, which he had all the reason in the world to keep since that was food for him for a day, something in me would not give me peace until i had followed suit. my romantic streak? more like the Holy Spirit working. so even if i wouldn't be graduating this year, i took my gradpic anyway, i pulled off my last foreseeable cosplay stint anyway, i "wasted" 5 years worth of hair growth anyway. what can i say? if that boy can surrender a day's worth of food to the master and end up being His instrument for filling a super tall order for 5000++ people, can't i surrender my vanity so He can use me in more ways?

all this after a haircut? so much thought after losing a 1.5 feet-ish (*aaawkwaaaard~*)of hair? well the implications of that sacrifice of 5-years worth are a lot, actually. if i can give up what had defined me for the last 5 years, what else can't i surrender? and so the lines on my head remain, because i still have things left to give up. obsessive dawn-hours spent gaming? that's gotta go. so does my procrastination tendencies and my rationalizing. can i ever think 'it's MY free time anyway, i'll spend it any way I choose' or 'it's MY way of doing things, i'll choose who I want so stay with, talk to & spend time with"? afraid not. i've begun shedding my old life, i can't stop now.

what happened in the premiere night of Youth L.I.V.E.'s saturday worship upgrade just served to spur me on to give more up. the night before, i had held my reservations as to whether we can keep up such a way of preparing on a weekly basis. i had held on to my doubts of the attendance rising & staying that way. i thought i had been entitled to be 'realistic' in my view... but what is that entitlement to the joy of being instrumental for His glory, even just for one night? i know i can dampen the spirits of those under me with views like that, and even if i keep quiet about it, i would not be able to soar with His spirit with that mindset keeping me down. i had to ditch what i thought to be 'realistic' views and be like that little boy, trusting the Master enough to not have any qualms of giving up what seemed to be rightfully mine. i want to keep doing that, but since i often forget (accidentally or purposely), these lines stay.